Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
