Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
