false alarm. still invincible.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
