yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
