watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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