Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
