does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
