I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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