I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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