i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
