it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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