I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
