i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
