First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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