Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
