my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
