I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
