Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
