how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
