Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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