I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
