Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
