she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's never too late to be topless.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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