She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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