I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
