I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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