if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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