Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
