I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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