People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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