Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
