There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
