Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
