this beer tastes like vomit already
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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