dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
