Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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