You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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