All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
