The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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