Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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