she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
