somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
