My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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