I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
