Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
