do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
