I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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