She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
