I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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