I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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