Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
