My liver just broke up with me...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Randomize
