Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.