Moan for me like Helen Keller
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.