What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
