Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
