Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
